


Every Charden Fic Ever

by easystreets



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Crack, Criticism, I promise, M/M, Metafiction, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-18
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:15:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,167
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28139046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/easystreets/pseuds/easystreets
Summary: Inspired by "EVERY MACDENNIS FIC" ever by Anonymous. Common Charden tropes.
Relationships: Charlie Kelly/Dennis Reynolds
Comments: 4
Kudos: 16





	Every Charden Fic Ever

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Restricted Work] by [biohazard (radiodurans)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodurans/pseuds/biohazard), [radiodurans](https://archiveofourown.org/users/radiodurans/pseuds/radiodurans). Log in to view. 



> This is me making fun of my own fics and the common tropes in them. It's not meant to be taken as me shitting on other authors, but rather, myself. Why, you ask? Because I'm failing out of online school and currently spend most of my time reading fucking MCR fics. I have fallen so much, what's a little more?
> 
> Lol. Anyways. Enjoy. Please add more Charden fic tropes in the comments because I would love to make more of these.

“Charlie, you’re disgusting and annoying,” Dennis says, like he has said for most episodes in canon. His hands run across Charlie’s green Army jacket, which is both miraculously clean and the only piece of clothing he seems to own in fics. “You’re illiterate,” Dennis continues. Illiteracy is one of Charlie’s only personality traits. “And you don’t even shower.”

“Fuck you, dude,” Charlie says, or something like that. He is deliriously, incredibly high on some unknown substance the author will never detail due to their utter lack of knowledge of drugs. It’s probably Elmer’s glue. Or perhaps a sniff of Febreeze. But he is somehow coherent enough to hold a conversation.“That’s like, super mean and shit,” he says.

“But, I want to like, get high with you,” Dennis says, all confused. Then he frowns, or, conversely, smokes a cigarette. Sometimes both. Always, he is pretty.

They both stand up, for some reason, and move to a place that is more conducive to the serious brain damage they’re about to do to themselves. Usually they’re in the bar; sometimes Charlie’s place, which is always empty. The bar might have Dee in it, but because she isn’t as slashy or traumatized as Dennis or Charlie, she will not be included. Maybe, if the readers are lucky, she’ll be asked to partake in getting high, but always decline.

“Dee, you wanna get high with us?” Charlie asks. Lucky reader! A female character in a Sunny fic, maybe this one will even pass the Bechdel test. Nah. That’d be asking too much. The fact that this fic isn’t Mac/Den is diverse enough.   


Dee is doing some menial task, like drying dishes with a cloth. “Ew,” Dee, the former crack addict and forever substance abuser says, “no, Charlie, I don’t want to get high.” Dee further explains that she’s doing something with Artemis later, even though they’re barely friends in canon and Artemis hasn’t been on the show since like, season 13. Season 12?

Doesn’t matter. Dennis and Charlie are already in the back office, getting high.

The author’s limited knowledge of inhalants really comes into play here. Dennis somehow just breathes in paint fumes or something, but he looks really hot doing it. They’re laying on the floor of the back office or something. Nobody’s here. They inhale a bunch of substances. Do drugs! It’s very edgy and insane and truly provides a vignette into their mental health. Totally not just a set-up to get them to talk.

“Uncle Jack,” Charlie finally says, his sewer-water eyes wide. This is the only bad event that’s ever happened to him in his entire life. “Uncle Jack was like, super mean.”

Dennis is now crying. Mostly because it’s hot. Also because the author doesn’t know how to express emotions in any way other than explosive anger or deep sorrow. (The author has a chemical imbalance. It’s a prerequisite for Sunny fic writers.) He sobs. 

Somehow, Dee does not hear him crying. If she did, she would not give a shit, as the maximum amount of characters the author can handle in a scene together is two, and even that is pushing it.

“Dude,” Charlie says. Charlie is basically clairvoyant in most fics. He is like… an idiot savant, he is Charlie from Flowers for Algernon, he is Rain Man. He knows all and yet nothing. “Is this about Ms. Klinsky?”

“Yeah,” Dennis sniffles. Usually his lips are really red now. And his mascara is tracking down his cheeks. He does not have a runny nose or disturbingly puffy cheeks or any of the ugly things that come from crying, because again, that wouldn’t be hot. “BUT DON’T TELL ANYONE OR I’LL KILL YOU.”

Dennis is so totally a serial killer, but Charlie LUVS him, because he just does, okay??? So he hugs him and initiates some sort of physical contact which is rare for Charlie and is supposed to imply human connection.

Even though Dennis is a creep, he hugs him back and doesn’t get handsy. Mostly because the author is a 16 year old girl who doesn’t write smut, but also because in fics Dennis is somehow never as rapey as he usually is. “Thanks, Charlie,” Dennis says. He smells Charlie and somehow, Charlie smells good. Cigarettes, paint, booze (despite the fact that real-world alkies smell like SHIT), and like, sugar or something. No sewers. “You’re the best, you get me,” Dennis has reached Nirvana.

“Yeah,” Charlie says. Then they get super high and like, fall asleep cuddling in the back office. On the floor! And maybe Dennis whispers something cute to Charlie in his sleep, like I love you or sorry (because most of the author’s fics are episode tags following an episode where Charlie has been treated like shit by the gang) or I’ll cut your fucking balls off if you move. Then they sleep some more because the various, unnamed substances they just took totally were all depressants. Even though the Gang is canonically big on uppers.

Then, the fic is almost done. But in order to be well-rounded and to appease the Mac/Den shippers, Mac walks in so that the tag for him actually makes sense and the fic actually is read by people. He’s been ignored by Dennis for hours or Charlie for days, despite the fact that they are, by definition, The Gang, and best friends. He’s sweaty coming back from the gym or the Rainbow, which as we all know is the only gay bar in Philly. Maybe there’s glitter on him. He is very jealous.

“What the heck, guys, I was looking everywhere for you!” Since Charden fics usually only happen in one of three places (Charlie’s apartment, Dennis’s Range Rover, or the bar), Mac probably didn’t have to look very far. But still, he’s pissed, because he doesn’t share in the very special soulbrother bond that Charlie and Dennis have, despite growing up with Charlie. He simply is too stupid and too much of a himbo to comprehend dynamic relationships.

“We were like, getting high,” Charlie says. They're still cuddling. Dennis's hand is on his ass or something, I don't know.

“Oh,” Mac says, all sad looking. Mac has puppy dog eyes. “Well I was just involved in a scheme with Frank and Dee, despite never teaming up with them canonically. Except for that one time where we almost ate a rabbit and Dee was like super knocked up. And Dennis fucked Chase Utley, or Charlie, or whatever. Anyways. You guys are gay!”

He leaves, walking gayly and pissed-off-ed-ly, and Charlie and Dennis smile clandestinely at each other, or, if the author is feeling whorish, they kiss.

* * *

Common titles for these fics include: Richard Siken quotes, Mitski songs, MCR or FOB lyrics, umm, episode titles, obscure song lyrics that only the author understands, quotes from the show, a madeup bullshit title that sounded pretentious enough to post, maybe poetry, and as always, actions they're doing : Moral Support, for example. Or Like Rabbits. 

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed-- or have any requests, please comment! I love writing crack, lol.


End file.
